...I clean up the apartment because the reason I won't be on the computer is that I'll be bartending Saturday and Sunday brunch until 7 p.m.—and I don't finish those shifts even remotely sober—so I can preemptively effect some kind of decorum in my apartment before I trash it with Jagermeister-stained apparel or decide to entertain company of the complimentary gender (aren't I ever the optimist!).... [cont.]